Stuff My Mom Actually Believes

Death starts in the feet.

The construction of the Great Wall of China as a defensive measure was really an exercise in futility because they only built it four feet high.

If you manage to get a shoplifted item over the store threshold to the street, it’s yours, and there’s nothing the police can do about it. (This law doesn’t apply to say, a mall, because technically, you are still inside even after having exited the shop.)

The hair that you develop after puberty is called “public” hair, because after you’re married, your husband gets to see it and so it’s no longer private.

If you put a peppermint in your mouth, and then drink hot coffee, hey, you have peppermint coffee.

Dysentery is more often referred to as “diarrhea” by the common man because it sounds like “dire rear,” which pretty much says it all.

If you don’t stay within the crosswalk when traversing a street, a car may freely hit you without fear of penalty or consequence. So, if you accidentally run into someone with your vehicle, try to make sure to hit them with enough impact to at least push them out from between the lines.

Taking a sitz bath with dry mustard can serve as an ersatz “morning-after” pill.

If she were to ever see the last episode of the TV series, Dark Shadows, she would die. So to thwart this curse, she has to transpose the final and the penultimate episodes.

Horses have the right-of-way when traveling alongside automobiles on city streets, and even highways, because “they were here first.” This same logic doesn’t apply to crustaceans and other sea life, though, because “that’s just silly.”

If you insert a tampon with too much force, you could lose it inside your lungs.

Soldiers who are trained to jump out of planes are called “Parrotroopers” because they fly and soar in the sky.

People in their eighties are called, “Oxygenarians” because they often need to carry around broncho-dilators and other devices to combat COPD.

When cooking, the food is done when it makes a noise.

The ashes used to stain the foreheads of the faithful on Ash Wednesday used to come from a baby that had been given up by a devout married couple, sacrificed, and burned into cinders. This practice was frowned upon after Vatican II, however, so the Catholic Church just started using dried-out palms from the previous Sunday.

Jim Croce’s 1973 hit originally contained the lyrics, “If I could spend time in a bottle,” to illustrate his battle with alcoholism. This was considered too much of a downer, however, so it the song was watered down to the more familiar pablum.

If you’ve just given birth and you don’t pay your medical bill before you leave the hospital, you can’t take the baby home because the child is contractually collateral. There have been cases of children being raised by hospital staff for years due to this restriction. (Some may have even been sacrificed for Ash Wednesday, I would imagine.)

You should always use deodorant over antiperspirant because antiperspirant inhibits sweat, which clogs your pores, raising the body temperature dangerously high, leading to brain damage, heat stroke, and death.

If a truck weighing 4001 pounds or more drives down a road cautioning TRUCKS OVER TWO TONS EXCLUDED, the truck will first sink into the asphalt and then subsequently explode due to the dynamite that is stored under many city streets.

Speaking of. If you step on spilled gasoline in a service station, you have a fifty percentage chance of bursting into flames, spontaneously. Although, it really wouldn’t be spontaneous if you went out of your way to walk in said puddle, now would it?

“Once in a blue moon” refers to a second full moon in August. It is so rare because it is a literal second moon caused by some renegade asteroid.

It’s called a “mammagram” because most women don’t have one until after they’ve had children.

They call fat-free milk “skin milk” because women used it to wash their faces to keep their skin clear before they invented Noxema and acne medications.

The Luigi Board was invented in Italy so people could communicate with the spirit world. This was frowned upon by the Church, however, so in order to avoid being persecuted, the “L” was dropped.

During the interim between Kennedy’s assassination  and Johnson’s swearing in, Russia could have simply waltzed in and taken over the United States without firing a single shot. And what’s more, there would have been nothing anyone could do about it. Apparently, there’s some some kind of geopolitical “dibbs” rule.

Academy award-nominated actress Irene Dunne shocked everyone when she agreed to take on the role of  “Granny” in the 1962 sitcom, The Beverly Hillbillies. Distressed by how old and unattractive she looked under all the heavy makeup and prosthetics, she changed her name to Irene Ryan, and retired from acting soon afterward, to go cook for Benedictine monks in France.

The ocean is blue because it reflects the sky. The sky is blue because it reflects the ocean. (Pay no heed to the turtles, all the way down.)

The stress and high pressure caused by frenzied crowds looking for bargains has caused many minimum-wage store clerks to commit suicide. Which is why the day after Thanksgiving is called, “Black Friday.”

If you eat too many pickles, the brine solution will dry up your blood.

You shouldn’t use an electric blanket at night because it messes with your internal thermostat, causing your body to lose the ability to regulate heat Eventually, you will either freeze to death, or boil, despite the external temperature.

December 26 is known as “Boxing Day,” because in medieval times, lords, landowners, and other rich types would toss their unwanted Christmas bounty to the serfs. Because the discards were limited, fisticuffs and sparring matches would often spontaneously break out among the rowdy peasantry.

The end of a woman’s fertility is referred to as “menopause” because it causes males to pause and consider whether they want to expend the effort of having sex with a woman who no longer carry his progeny.

The lower level of the George Washington Bridge is officially moniker is “Martha” because it lies beneath the George part. (I don’t even want to think about the Lincoln Tunnel…)

The only one who could ever reach me, was the son of the pizza man. (Well, to be fair, she is originally from Brooklyn.)

You should never get up to go to the bathroom when you’re eating, because it interferes with digestion and blood flow, and could well cause a stroke. Better to hold it in, or better yet, wear an adult diaper to dinner so as to avoid any catastrophes.

The planet Neptune used to be located beneath the Pacific Ocean until one day, for some reason, it broke away from earth wound up in orbit. The Greeks named the god of the sea, Neptune, in honor of this event.