Chapter Four

Pond Sucking Scum


DrNate: May I sum up the first three chapters?
kscully: Be our guest, Nate.
Mike: You talkin' ta me?
DrNate: Ok...previously on #mstdungeon:
DrNate: Nate wins the lottery (What the heck am I doing 
wasting my money on the lottery?! Yeesh!), and uses his money 
to buy a ticket to the star-studded premiere of "Vampyre 
Babes from Soho." 
DrNate: At the premiere he meets the lovely and talented star 
of B-movie masterpieces, Kiersten Warren. The two 
immediately fall for one another; but all is not well for Ms. 
DrNate: She seems to be the victim of clever stalkers (and 
somehow knows Nate's name).  Nate promises to protect her 
with his life, for all the good it does her, as three pairs 
of vampire eyes snatch poor Kiersten, and fly with her into 
the night.
DrNate: Nate quickly hooked up with a gun-toting tech junkie, 
and a magic using enigma. Together this small but insipid 
band of heores stumbles across a mysterious hooded figure.
DrNate: The hooded figure wastes their time with vague riddles 
and stupid metaphors, before telling them to seek out a 
powerful sage known only as Patricia.
DrNate: The spellcaster takes them quickly to Patricia's lair 
where they are immediately attacked by cats! 
DrNate: Patricia further wastes our heroes' time with more 
vague warnings and pointless tests, quickly incurring Nate's 
DrNate: (Mitchell wants me to mention the boomerang)...
{MITCHell: hehe
DrNate: Now the group is ready to assult the lair of the 
vampires who have taken Kiersten and are torturing her at 
this very moment (while I'm wasting time with this "story so 
far" deal).
DrNate: Will our heroes be able to rescue Kiersten? I somehow 
doubt it, but let's watch, and see!
DrNate: Ok, I'm done. Oh, except there was also an amulet, 
which Nate has hold of. Kiersten's last act as a free woman 
was to give it to him.
DrNate: That's a stupid-a$$ title.
{MITCHell: Well, we dont know what's gonna happen yet.

*It was a dark and stormy night...
Our story opens in the middle of a clearing.
DrNate: "I already know plenty, you gun weilding maniac!" 
* Patricia notes that everyone here is outstanding in their 
{MITCHell: "Don't make me pop ya, lover boy."
DrNate: "You couldn't pop the broadside of the planet!"
kscully: "Well, of course we're out standing in a field; we're 
in the middle of the woods!!"
{MITCHell: "Could too!"
DrNate> "I think we've teleported, Houdini."
{MITCHell: "Thing that has me pissed off, is I needed to hop in 
that pond worse than anybody, and I didnt get to, so I still 
got these condiments all over me."
Mew: "Did everyone pee??"
* DrNate isn't gonna justify that with a response.
{MITCHell: "I watered your flower bed for the trip."
Mike: Poor trees.
DrNate: Let me change my nick, get me into character better.
Nathan: That'll help me seperate the game from reality a 
little better.
{MITCHell: "I never know when to leave stuff alone."
* Nathan wanders around impatiently, trying his best not to 
think of poor Kiersten.
* {MITCHell slaps Mew around a bit with a large trout.
* {MITCHell slaps {MITCHell around a bit with a large trout.
{MITCHell: "Hmmm."
* Mike notices his cell phone is still on...who to call at this 
* {MITCHell checks his ammo.
* {MITCHell sharpens his boomerangs, knives, dirks, swords, 
daggers, a copper khopesh, a pike, an awl...
* {MITCHell loads his 30-30, 12 gauge, sawed-off 12 gauge, 9 mm 
beretta, .44 magnum, .357 magnum...
Nathan: "Guys. Givin' ya one last chance to back out, here. I 
don't need any more blood on my concious than I already 
* {MITCHell loads his crossbow, a ballista, a catapult, a 
bazooka, a mortar...
{MITCHell: "Blood?" 
Mew> Now, we are in the clearing.
*{MITCHell me starts putting all the stuff away.
{MITCHell: "Whoops. Make that an action there."
Mew: "Uh, could we not shoot things right now??"
* Nathan blows on Mitchell, and makes him topple over 
backwards. =)
{MITCHell: "I'm just gettin ready."
Mew> "Just checking."
* {MITCHell hands Nate a bottle of Scope(tm).
* Patricia looks at Nathan.
{MITCHell: We were glaring.
Mew: Swell.
Mew: At what?
{MITCHell: You and Nate.
* Patricia looks at Nathan.
Nathan: * Nathan glares bitterly back at her.
Nathan: That's all I have.
Mew: Let us begin.
* The group begin tramping through the glade.
* Conversation ensues.
{MITCHell: "Some weather."
{MITCHell: "Ever frolic in a leafy glade?"
* Patricia walks up slowly behind Nate, walking stick in hand.
* Nathan has nothing to say.
Mew: "Nathan, you don't like me very much, do you?"
* Nathan looks over his left shoulder for a moment, then 
continues walking.
Mew: "Do not ignore me, Nathan. It would be a bitter mistake."
* {MITCHell readies an edged boomerang.
Mew: "Watch the boomerang, my unstable friend."
* Nathan stops. Turns.
Mew: "Why are you being so hostile towards me?"
Nathan: "Soon, very soon, I suspect I will owe you everything. 
In the meantime, I don't have to like you. And I won't."
* {MITCHell looks at the boomerang expectantly.
Mew: "You already owe me everything. You are just not aware of
it yet."
Mew: "What exactly angers you about me?"
Mew: "Granted, my loveliness can be a bit overwhelming..."
Nathan: "The woman I love is suffering, and you wasted time I 
could have better spent saving her with stupid games." 
Moreover, you made me reveal my emotions then used them 
against me. I don't appreciate that sort of behavior."
Mew: "No game of mine is ever 'stupid,' Nathan.".
* Nathan turns and starts walking again at a faster pace, tears 
welling up in his eyes.
{MITCHell: "Except 'Snakes and Ladders'."
Mew: "Oh, so you do feel some emotion beside anger?"
* Patricia turns toward Arthur.
kscully: "Hmm...It is possible, though any lasting effect will 
have to be brought about through his own will..."
Mew: "Well, I don't want him harmed. Can you perhaps occupy
him for a few moments?"
* kscully eyes Nathan for a while, then makes a mystic 
gesture...He disappears in a flurry of blue sparkles, then 
reappears as a floating balloon, string tied to the walking 
Nathan: "Uh...Copperfield?"
Mew: "Um, I meant do something about the blowhard back there 
with the cigarettes."
Nathan: "You might want to change me back BEFORE I FUCK YOU UP!"
Mew: "Now now. No time for romance."
{MITCHell: "hehe"
Nathan: "I don't think romance of any sort is emotionally 
possible within 50 miles of you."
* kscully sighs and reverses the gesture, and Nathan reappears 
in his original form, but still tied to the stick.
Mew: "Interesting."
Nathan: "You assholes betrayed me! I knew better than to trust 
a group of strangers!"
Nathan: "You all die. Savor your moments."
Mew: "Nathan, calm down."
* {Mitchell starts choosing goodies.
{MITCHell: "Damn sucker."
Mew: "No one betrayed you; Arthur just misunderstood me."
Nathan: Ok. Prove it. Untie me and apologize."
{MITCHell: "You want I should start shootin, Nate?"
Nathan: "No blood on my hands, Mitchell.".
Nathan: "Please wait."
Mew: "Untie Nathan, someone. I cannot risk breaking a nail."
kscully: "Untie yer own's only a string."
* Nathan shatters the bonds.
* Nathan grabs ks's collar. "Let's NOT do that anymore, ok?"
Mew: "Now boys. Play nice."
Nathan: "We aren't going to accomplish anything with 
* Suddendly, Patricia stops.
{MITCHelL: "Sure we are, perfecting the technique!"
Mew: "I....I am seeing a vision."
Nathan: (Let's hope it's a heart attack.)
* kscully nods...."Now now...You must understand I've been away 
from the Arts for a good deal of time...Things no longer are 
assured of working as I choose..."
Nathan: "ks: Just be sure they work on WHO you choose."
Mew: "Okay."
{MITCHell: "Yup."
Mew: "We won't kill anyone okay?"
kscully: "D'oh, old bean."
Nathan: "Speak for yourself."
Mew: "Nathan, I see....I see a young girl."
Mew: "She is very afraid."
Mew: "She is chained, naked, to a cold, stone slab."
Mew: "Nathan?"
Mike: "Mmm...naked."
* Nathan silently walks to the nearest tree, and leans his back 
against it.
* Nathan slides to a sitting position, and pulls his knees to 
his chest.
Mew: "Her fiery red hair as been shorn away. "
Mew: "I can see that she was not a natural red-head, btw."
Mew: "Nathan, are you all right?"
Mew: "You cannot avoid me for the entire journey, you know."
Nathan: "Shut up! Just leave me! You know damned well that you 
don't need me! And I don't have to put up with this for 
another second."
Mew: "But Kiersten needs you."
Mew: "Does that not matter anymore?"
Mew: "Nathan??"
Mew: "Doesn't she matter?"
Nathan: "Like hell she does! You said it yourself! Each of you 
is the master of your field. I'm master of nothing that can 
stop a horde of bloodthirsty fucking vampires!"
* Patricia explains the concept of "bad pun" to Nathan.
* Nathan explains the concept of his middle finger to Patricia.
Mew: "Nathan, you possess the one thing we don't. You have a 
true heart. A pure love for this poor girl. When it comes 
down to the final battle, that may be what saves us all."
Mew: "Why are you so angry with me?"
Mew: "Because I tempted you with other women?"
Nathan: "We've already been over this. In fact, I suspect you 
knew before I even told you."
* Nathan 's words come out slurred between the tears and sobs.
Mew: "Do you have any idea why I did this?"
Mew: "There have been others before you Nathan, who's heart
wasn't as true."
Mew: "Others have been taken by these demons."
Mew: "Ask Sir Arthur."
Mew: "As one skilled in the arts, he knows of such things."
kscully: *nod*
Mew: "They gave in to fear ands temptation and they let their 
loved ones perish."
Mew: "And I, in turn, let *them* perish."
Mew: "I had to make sure that your love for this girl was true 
and pure, lest all our lives become endangered."
* Nathan stands up.
* Patricia looks at Nathan.
Mew: "I am sorry if I offended you, but I had to make you hate
me so that I could see your true intentions."
Nathan: "You're telling me I have to choose between doing the 
right thing, and not suffering."
Mew: "Yes."
Nathan: "That's not a damn choice. Let's go. My tantrum wasted 
too much of out precious time."
Nathan: "There's a human life at stake here."
Mew: "Literally 'at stake'."
Mew: "Thank you, Arthur, btw, for silencing that 
hulking menance or a little while."
* Nathan starts walking again.
Nathan: "What's going to happen when this is over?"
kscully: "Right. So, now that we are properly settled, we would 
do well to move on, before we too, become targets of the 
dark forces..."
Mew: "I suppose he will be useful eventually, but for now..."
Mew: "That is up to you, Nathan."
* The band continues to walk.
Nathan: "Good. After this, I never want to see any of you 
again. This part of my life never happened."
* Patricia pauses agin, something having caught her ear.
Mew: "Oh foolish Nathan. We may be linked for life."
Mew: "I hear something."
Mew: "Like a cry for help. Some trapped animal."
* kscully listens intently...
Mew: "With bad grammar."
Nathan: "Keep going. I'll save it and catch up."
Mew: "No hunting or trapping is allowed..."
Nathan: "Which way?"
Mew: "To the left, Nathan."
Mew: "It sounds like it is coming from underground."
Nathan: "How far?"Mew: "About ten yards."
Mew: "Over there. That pile of leaves."
Mew: "Just a little closer.."
* kscully puts his hands together, and draws them apart, 
revealing a rake in a thunderclap! He hands this to Nathan..
Nathan: "Keep moving! I'll take care of this and catch up."
* Suddenly, the ground gives out from beneath Nathan's feet!!!
* He falls throught he leaves about 20 feet downward into a pit.
* Nathan probably breaks something.
* kscully moves on, albeit keeping a watchful eye on Nathan 
with his other sight...
* Instead of hitting the ground, he lands on something soft..
Mew: "Something fuzzy".
Mew: "Something alive."
* Mike looks up at Stimpy.
Mew: "hehe"
Nathan:" Oh! I killed something! Stupid ego! Stupid!"
* Patricia runs over to the spot where Nate disappeared.
Mew: "Nathan! Are you alright?"
Wyldling: "Owie me's go all squashed flat."
Mew: "Who's there?"
Wyldling: "Me."
Nathan:" Patti, if we're going to have any sort of 
relationship, you HAVE to stop asking stupid questions!"
Mew: "Well, at least you aren't dead."
Wyldling: "Stupid, Stupid bigthings make go squashy squash."
Mew: "That would make the entire journey moot, and I am in no 
mood to turn back."
Mew: "Nathan, what did you land on?"
* Wyldling crawls out from under Nathan.
Nathan: "I dunno, but I think it is dead."
Nathan: "My mistake. No, it's alive."
Mew: "Did you break anything?
Wyldling: "Me not stillquiet."
Nathan: "I dunno. How can I tell?"
Nathan: "I landed on a Muppet, by the way."
* Wyldling uses catnip Willow Light to light the cavern.
Mew: "It smells kind of foul."
Mew: "Can you stand up, Nathan?"
* Nathan tries.
Wyldling: "Me not NastyBad SmellyThing."
Mew: "You seem to be limping a bit."
Nathan: "Doesn't hurt!"
Mew: "Bend over, Nathan."
Nathan: "Um...I'm not that kind of guy."
Mike: "Ew!"
Wyldling: "Me help HurtyHurt BigThing."
Mew: "I want to see if you are stil mobile."
Mew: "Sir, what manner of creature are you?"
Wyldling: "Me is CatPookaThing."
Mew: "Oh good. Nate likes pussies."
* Nathan bends over.
* Wyldling hides in the shadows of the cavern.
* Nathan does ten toe touches.
Nathan: "Happy?"
Mew: "Nathan, I can't see to well in the darkness. How large
is that creature?"
Nathan: "I dunno. Bigger than a breadbasket."
Mew: "Can we carry him?"
Nathan: "How big are you, PookatThingie?"
Mew: "I'm glad you're not hurt, btw, Nathan. Now we don't have
to shoot you."
* All that can be seen of the creature is a pair of 
glowing green eyes.
Nathan: "You wouldn't have survived the attempt, Patricia."
Mew: "Does it bite?"
Nathan: "I'm gonna have to try luring it out. Gimmie a sec."
Mew: "Just a little sorceress humor, Nathan."
* Wyldling pokes it's head out of the shadows.
Wyldling: "Not hurt?"
Nathan: "Just a little bitter man who just lost his true love 
and doesn't want to be in the hole or anywhere other than a 
hot bath humor, Particia."
* Mike lies his head next to the keyboard.
Mew: "I see..."
Nathan: "Not hurt. Do you have a name? Mine's Nathan."
* Patricia throws a rock into the pit.
Wyldling: Ow!"
Nathan: "Stop that! Yeesh!"
* A cat-like creature creeps out of the shadows, cautiously."
* Nathan crouches down, to meet the kitty on eye level.
Nathan: "Hi!"
Wyldling: "Aaaaaiiiiieeee!"
* Wyldling jumps back in terror of the BigThing.
* Nathan exaggerates a big frown, and sniffles.
Nathan: "No like Nate?"
* Mewtate throws some water down the pit.
Wyldling: "I's sorry you scare Wyld I go you Kaaay?"
Nathan: "I hope all that crap is working towards getting one or 
both of us out of here!"
* Wyldling grabs Nate and leaps from the pit.
Nathan: "I've thought about it. We're keeping this one."
Nathan: "Trade Artie for him."
Wyldling: "Yaaay Me's go!"
* Patricia calls down in the pit.
Mew: Creature: "Where's Mulder??"
Nathan: "We're already out, bonehead. Let's get a move on!"
Wyldling: "Not knowing MulderBigThing??"
Mew: "Sorry. Hadn't noticed. I was busy filing my nails."
* Patricia admires Nathan's gentle way with animals.
Mew: "Nathan, is that how you speak to a sorceress.?"
Mew: "Be careful, my friend."
Nathan: "This another one of those stupid riddles?"
Mew: "No,, that is later."
Mew: "I just want you to know you should show me more respect."
Wyldling: "Me hungry, My tummy is talking..".
Mew: "What do you eat, Creature?"
Mew: "Do we have any cheese?"
* Nathan has some Kraft Singles(tm). Cheese?"
Nathan: "Want some cheese, little buddy?"
Mew: "Cats love cheese."
Wyldling: "Me eats food."
Mew:" I'm proud of you Nathan."
* Nathan feeds Wyld one slice at a time until told to stop.
Wyldling: "Me no ever eats cheeses."
Nathan: "Thank you. And, you know what? I think I have a deal 
for you."
Wyldling: "Is good?"
Mew: "Creature, that is all we have right now."
Nathan: "Wyld try cheese?"
Nathan: "He means he's never tried cheese."
Wyldling: "Yes, is good all over."
Mew: "Oh, I see."
Nathan:"Good. Tummy feel better?"
Mew: "Nathan, you are very good with cats."
* Mike looks up at Stimpy (again).
Wyldling: "Yes, Me thinking NateThing."
Nathan: "I'm actually good with just about everything. When you 
said that we were each masters of our field, I assumed you 
were referring to my kind heart."
Wyldling: "Much thankings, NateThing."
Mew: "Actually, Nathan, I was making a bad pun about 
standing in the clearing."
Mew: "But now that I think of it, yes, you have a point."
Nathan: "My pleasure, little sweetheart. You are just so nice!"
Mew: "You charmed my devil cats. This is not easy to do."
Nathan: "We have to move on. Time's wasting."
Mew: "Patricia stands still once more."
Nathan: "No. You can't make me hear this."
* Nathan covers his ears."
Mew: "I hear the sound of a postman yawning."
Mew: "Nathan, the girl..."
Mew: "I'm afraid that..."
Mew: "That..."
Mew: "Oh no".
* Wyldling pricks up it's cat-like ears at the strange sounds.
Nathan: "NO!"
Mew: "Well, water under the bridge. Let's move on."
* Nathan stands in front of Patricia.
Mew: "Yes?"
Nathan: "What do you want from me. Do you want me to beg you to 
tell me what you saw?"
Nathan:"Because I will." 
Mew: "Okay."
* Wyldling shapeshifts into a cat, for easier carrying.
* Patricia scratches Wyld behind the ears.
* Then she hands him to Nate.
Nathan: "Please tell me what you saw. I promise, if you do, I 
will defer to your leadership in every matter until we have 
saved Kiersten. Please don't leave me in suspense."
* Nathan takes the wittle kitty."
Mew: "All right. You may rise from your knees."
* Wyldling purrs like an old engine.
Mew: "Nathan, she..."
Mew: "They..."
Mew: "I..."
Mew: "You..."
Nathan: "Say it!"
Mew: "Him, her, it..."
Mew: "She, you , they.."
* Nathan is just about to the point of not caring.
Mew: "Oh I'm sorry. I had a conjugation 
Mew: "They have started the first phase."
Nathan: "Of?"
Mike: "I, you, she/he/it, we, you, they."
Mew: "The transformation."
Nathan: "How much time do we have?"
Mew: "Not long."
Mew: "About 2 more nights."
Mew: "You and the others have wasted enough time as it is."
Wyldling: "Where we's going NateThing?"
Nathan: "We're going straight to hell, little kitty." 
Wyldling: "What being hell?"
Mew: "Perhaps soon we will have to turn Mitchell back from a
piece of cheese into his old self."
Nathan: "Pending a week in Arcadia, then being trapped and 
powerless on earth for a hundred years."
* Wyldling crawls on to Nathan's shoulder.
Wyldling: "Eeep!"
Wyldling: "Gulp."
Nathan: "Patricia, I gave you command of this party because we 
weren't going anywhere with me in charge. Can we go now? "
Mew: "The kitty does not have to endure this".
Mew: "This is not his battle."
Nathan: I'd really rather not risk spilling anyone's blood, 
except mine. "
Wyldling: "No no no Me's is going too."
Mew: "YOU gave *me* command?????"
Mew: "Are you sure, Precious?"
Wyldling: "Yes I go too!"
Mew: "Patricia's eyes begin to glow bright red..."
Nathan: "I'm not going to argue with you anymore. Sounds like a 
shift in power to me."
Wyldling: "Helping BigThings Me's job."
* The narrator repeats:
Nathan: "No, wyld. I don't want to have to get you killed. Bad 
enough I have the lives of three other people in my hands."
* Patricia's eyes begin to GLOW BRIGHT RED.
* Wyldling sits on Nathan's head and looks down at him.
Nathan: "You are just the most nimble kitty I have ever seen! 
What a sweetheart!"
Nathan: "Oh, yeah. Patricia? Do those eyes mean it's time to 
start moving again?"
Wyldling: "Me likes to rest on Nathan hat."
* Third Person Omipresent refers Nate to CHAPTER ONE...
Nathan: "Oh, SHIT"
Nathan: "Run, guys! Save yourselves!"

End of Chapter 4