Chapter I

Session Start: Tue Oct 08 02:23:25 1996

True Dicks
DrNate changes topic to “Secret Agent Night! Cool”!

Mew dons her trenchcoat and waits in the moonlight. p

postmike: Hmm…trenchcoat.

Mew adjusts her fedora in a sexy manner over her left eye. 

postmike adjusts…forget it.

AgentNate: It begins!

Mew: Mood music.

postmike: Mewsic.

Mew: Hey.

AgentNate: It was a dark and stormy night..

AgentNate: Aw, heck with that.

kscully: The mood is musky, and the lights are dim in the bar…low music wafts over the agents, along with the smoke of the suspicious looking patrons… It is a plesant autumn mid-morning in Somewheresville, USA.  All that I get from ‘mood music’? I’m good.

Mew: Well, hey.  Mew skips gaily out of her trailer.

postmike: :/  In the secret headquarters of the CBI (Central Bureau of Investigation), it is a standard operating day. Agents file reports, research their assignments, wait for new assignments, and one excited(?) young lady is starting her first day.

Doriana skips through the door.

Doriana turns a few heads. Your uncle’s secretary stops you.

Mew: “Well, gosh, Hermie. That’s not nice.”

Hermie: “Excuse me, young lady. Your uncle is in with your new partner. He told me to ask you to wait.”

The frumpy looking old woman physically blocks your path.

Mew: “It’s just me, you know.

Hermie: “Nonethless, you can wait five minutes, just like everyone else.”

Mew: “I am just so gosh darn excited about this secret agent thingie!!” Imagine, yesterday, a cheerleader, and today, I may hold the fate of the free world in my hands!” Kewl!” 

The secretary gives you a knowing smile, and offers you a comfy looking leather chair. 

Dori flips her head to one side.

Mew: “Gee wilkers! I wonder what my fellow spy buddies will be like?” 

After some time, the secretary takes a phone call.

Mew: “Oh Hermie, I just can’t wait!”

Dori stamps her dainty foot impatiently on the floor.

Hermie: “Ma’am, your uncle will see you now. And can I apologize in advance for your new partner?”

Mew: “Uh oh.” 

The door to the Captain’s office opens..

Mew: “That sounds ever so nasty:”

Mew walks in. 

As you enter your uncle’s office, you see your uncle standing by the door, a friendly smile on his face. You also see a young man with dark curly hair and a slim physique sitting in a chair. The young man turns around.

AgentNate: “MEWNOS!”

He leaps at you, his arms outstretched… Only be dropped to the floor by a swift move by your uncle. 

AgentNate staggers to his hands and knees.

Mew: “Oh, I’m sorry!” I have been told I resemble that horrible woman. Purely a coincidence.” 

Doriana stares menacingly into Nate’s eyes.

AgentNate: “I’m amazed you’ve heard of her” (sounding a bit more than a little ego bruised).

Mew: “UNDERSTAND?????” 

AgentNate: “And may I say sir, that you still have that magic touch?”

TheCaptn: “No, you may not! Take a seat, you knuckleheads!”

AgentNate offers Doriana a seat.  Doriana sits down daintily.

TheCaptn: “Doriana. This is Agent Nate. One of the CBI’s finest.” 

The Captian sits down behind his desk. You note a touch of sarcasm in that.

Mew: “Pleased to meet you, Nate.” 

Doriana offers her hand. 

postmike looks around. 

AgentNate accepts.

AgentNate: “Sorry about the strangulation thing. If you knew what I’d been through, you’d probably want to strangle something, too.”

Mew: “You will have to fill me in sometime, Nate. In the meantime, could you please remove your hand from my windpipe?”

AgentNate: “It’s in the report…and SIX MONTHS worth of psychological profiles…” 

The Captain tosses two folders into Nate’s lap.

TheCaptn: “This is your first case. A double castration/murder.”

postmike: “Ack!”

Mew: “Oh, this sounds like ever so much fun!”

AgentNate: “Murder? He or she must have missed.” 

AgentNate smiles.

TheCaptn: “Have fun, kids!” 

The Captain smiles at you.

Mew: “I guess the person who did these, what did you call them, ‘murders?’ was bad, huh? Nate, you can come out from under the desk now.

The Captain frowns at you.

TheCaptn: “Well DUH! Now, get outta my office you two!”

Mew: “Boy, what a grump.”

AgentNate jumps out of his chair, and opens the door for Doriana.

Mew: “Ah, a gentleman.”

AgentNate> SCENE 2: The offices This branch of the CBI’s headquarters has one big room full of desks for all the agents to waste time, and do paperwork and so forth; much like a police station on TV. 

AgentNate leads Doriana to a desk, and pulls a chair from a nearby desk.

AgentNate: “Here. This used to be Agent rush_’s. He’s still in therapy.”

Mew: “Hey! That’s supposed to be *my* chair, Nate.”

Doriana frowns.

AgentNate: “Ok. we can switch.” 

AgentNate switches chairs. 

AgentNate sits down…

AgentNate: “Well, now we have an assignment, huh?”

Doriana sits Mew: “So, we have to find this castration person?”

AgentNate: “You know, I’ve been on 327 missions. Failed at 3 of them. Has 27 partners. You know how many have been female?”

Mew: “No, tell me.You will anyway.”

AgentNate: “None. So, you know…I mean…What say we get you an inter-office transfer? Get you to a partner who is a little better with women?”

Mew: “No, Nate. I like you.” 

Doriana bats her eyelashes at Nate in a very feminine manner.

AgentNate: “No, I think…SCULLY!”

Mew: “Scully? I think I’d prefer Mulder…”

postmike: David…

AgentNate: “Where the heck is Scully?”

AgentNate: “No, Dori. You’ll like him. He’s the friendly sort.” 

The potted plant in the corner stands up and grins sheepily…

Agent_ks: “Sorry, Nate. Just practicing again.” 

AgentNate jumps three feet in the air.  As he approaches, you see the plant was a disguise…very clever.

AgentNate: “Geez! Hey, do you want to trade partners?”

postmike: The letter opener on the desk fires a bullet into the wall.

Agent_ks: “Nah. Mine oughta be around here somewhere, and we have sorta an ..understanding. I don’t think others would do well.”

AgentNate: “You SURE. You real sure? Sorry Doriana. Looks like you’re stuck with me and our Mad Castrator.”

Mew: “Nate, just because I’m a woman does not mean I can be traded back and forth like a piece of meat! Though. I’m ever so glad my very first case is going to be fun! We’re going to have such a good time!” 

From across the room, The Captain calls out:

TheCaptn: “Scully! Get yourself and your X-Files reject partner in my office NOW!”

Doriana dances around merrily in a circle, gets dizzy and falls onto Nate. 

AgentNate screams in panic.

Mew: “Oops. I think I broke a nail.”

Doriana frowns.

AgentNate hands Doriana a Rubik’s cube to play with while he reads the files.

AgentNate: “Troublemakers!” 

Doriana gets out tweezers from her purse, prys apart The Cube, and reassembles it in correct sequence.

AgentNate finishes up the files pretty quick, and drops them on the table.

AgentNate: “Pretty clever. I don’t think I would have been able to connect the two castrations like that. Wanna take a read?”

Mew: “Connect the castration? Can they do that now?? Sure.” 

Doriana takes the files and heads for the Ladies’ Room.

AgentNate: “Ok, there are two files on the table. Thicker red one, and a thinner green one. Which do you want to read first?”

Mew: “Does it matter?”

AgentNate: “I dunno. No. Ok. The green one is about a young man named Peter. He’s 15.”

Mew: “Eenie, meenie, minie, moe. Catch a eunuch by the toe. I’ll take the green one.”

AgentNate: “Peter was arrested trying to sell a stolen camcorder. During strip search, the officer in attendance noticed something missing.”

AgentNate: “Something…He’s being held in connection with a gang of thieves. Refuses to talk about how it happened. “

Mew: “Birth defect, maybe?”

AgentNate: “Not according to his doctor’s records from the past.”

Mew: “Hmm.”

AgentNate: “Professional job, according to the photos. Anything else in particular you are looking for?”

Mew: “Well, that about cuts it…”

postmike: heh

AgentNate: “Yup. The other folder involves an illegal immigrant named Paul Pjaros.”

Mew: “We’re going to have to be sharp to solve this one.”

AgentNate: “Paul was found naked and dead in a ditch.”

Mew: “And?”

AgentNate: “Similarly castrated, but not nearly so clean a job.”

Mew: “Any photos?”

AgentNate: “Paul was found a mile outside a ranch. The ranch owner, one Ma Ferguson, swears she’s never seen him before. Yeah. The pictures aren’t nearly so pretty.”

Mew: “May I see?”

AgentNate: “They’re in the folder.”

Mew: “Yuck! Looks like it was literally pulled off.”

AgentNate: “The connection between them: the ranch Paul was found dead near is the same ranch little Peter visited 3 months ago. Yeah. He or She must have been nervous.”

Mew: “Goodness.”

AgentNate: “They were a little more confident by the time Peter came along. Just a guess, mind you.”

Mew: “So, am I to assume that the people who are castrating these men are doing a bad thing?”

AgentNate: “How exactly did you get through basic training, again?”

Mew: “Nepotism. And a WonderBra(tm)”

AgentNate: “Ah. Well…What course of action do you recommend?”

Mew: “Well, I guess we should stop them.”

AgentNate: “Good. Ok. How?”

Mew: “By catching them and telling them to stop.”

Agen: Nate: “Ok. This is going to be fun. You remind me of Agent Arnswell. He was…yeah…And how do you propose we catch this gentleman?”

Mew: “Find them.”

AgentNate: “Find. Right. My mistake. Forgive my awkwardness. And how do you propose we find this gentleman?”

Mew: “I guess we’ll need clues.”

AgentNate: “Ok. Where do you propose we look?”

Mew: “Where we found the clues?”.

AgentNate: “And that would be?” 

Doriana looks at the ceiling. Pretty…

postmike looks at Mew looking at the ceiling.

AgentNate: “Take a wild guess, sweetheart.” 

kscully watches mike looking at Mew looking at the ceiling…

From across the room, the Captain step out of his office.

TheCaptn: “Scully! Get your X-Files reject of a partner, and get in here! New assignment!”

Agent_ks: nods

TheCaptn: “Good job on that last case, boys. And on the follow-up report. Thanks, Mew.”

AgentWy: “Thank you.”

(Still Deep Swarthy Voice) TheCaptn: (Deep Swarthy Voice) “I have a perfect reward for your work.” 

The Captain reaches into his desk.

TheCaptn: “A Crime Wave!”

He drops a red folder on the desk in front of you.

TheCaptn: “We’ve all been waiting for a break in this one. And we think we have one. A castrated kid named Peter something…It’s in the folder. Any questions?”

Mew: “What’s in the folder?????” 

Agent_ks hands Wy a cough drop.

TheCaptn: “Ya ain’t got another one of them dang hairballs, do ya?”

AgentWy: “No, Not today.”

TheCaptn: “You boys happen to have grown roots?”

Agent_ks looks at his feet, which do happen to still have roots on them, and grins sheepishly.

TheCaptn: “GET OUTTA MY OFFICE! What is this, a magic show? Tea and light chatter time? Yeesh!”

TheCaptn is now known as AgentNate 

AgentNate is still working on Doriana’s first coherent thought.

AgentNate: “And where do you propose we look, partner?”

Mew: “I like toast…” 

AgentWy slides out of the room like a shadow.

Mew: “Uh, well. Maybe we could talk to that Peter man. He’s not the dead one, right?” 

You look to throw agent ks out, but then notice that all the office furniture was here before…you think.

Mew: “Because if he were, then I guess we couldn’t talk to him.”

AgentNate: “Guys, the folder details a crime wave in LA. Up until the police caught this Peter trying to sell a stolen camera they had NO LEADS. None. Now they have one, and you guys are being called down to put a stop to it. Right. Ok. good start.”

Mew: “Well, unless we held like, a seance. But I don’t think they would allow us to do that?” 

AgentNate pats Doriana on the back.

Mew: “What do you think, Nate?”

AgentNate: “Wanna go down to the carpool, and get us a road map and pick a car?”

Mew: “I could look for a medium, but a good to fair medium is rare.” 

A man leaves the Captain’s office, wearing a black trench-coat and fedora, with an eye patch over his right eye, and black clothes…

AgentNate: “Off you go, now! Guys! Scully! Commere!”

Mew: “Have you ever talked with the dead before, Nate? I haven’t. Well, not unless you count that physics major I dated a few years ago.”I have a headache.”

Mew frowns.

AgentNate: “Maybe picking a car will help?”

Mew: “OOH! Do I get to choose the color?! Please! Please! Please!!”

AgentNate: “Absolutely. Any one you can get from them. Have fun!”

Mew: “Goodie!!”

AgentNate walks across the room to Scully or that other fellow.

Dori dances around in a circle, gets dizzy and falls on Nate again.

Dori ponders.

AgentNate: “Doriana, this may be inappropriate to say, but you are so soft!”

Mew: “Gosh, I guess it must hurt to be castrated, huh?”

Mew: “Thank you. Baby oil in my bath water.”

AgentNate: “It might hurt. Let’s make sure nobody else finds out, ok?”

AgentWy: “Nate what do you need now?”

Mew: “I mean, maybe not so much if it’s done like really, really quick. But if it’s done like slow with a dull knife it must be like, painful and stuff.”

AgentNate: “Gah!” (Nate jumps.) “The Captain told me our cases both involve some guy named Peter. Care to get a car and follow us to LA?”

AgentNate: “Tell ya what, Doriana. When we catch this guy, you can ask him anything you want.”

Mew:: “Peter. Castration. Coincidence? Hm…”

AgentWy: “Sure, you’ll need help, don’t you agree Agent Scully?”

Mew: “But I don’t know him that well :<”

AgentNate: “Yeah. Like a bad piece of fiction.”

Dori stares at a shiny coin she finds on the floor.

AgentNate: “Well, you don’t have to. It’s just a suggestion. I see you’re curious, that’s all.”

Agent_ks: “Oh, yeh. Oi’d say that.”

AgentNate: “Shall we all retire to the carpool, and obtain a fine pair of roadsters?”

Mew: “I wonder if this Peter guy was awake when they castrated him?” 

postmike is now known as Q.

Mew: “That had to be like, bad.”

AgentNate: “You can ask Peter. Maybe you can get him to tell us who did it.”

Mew: “Oh, I couldn’t ask about that. I’d be too embarrassed.”

AgentNate: “Well, if you’d like, you can do the talking when we meet with him.”

AgentNate: (Did everyone die?)

Mew: “No, I’m doing my nails.”

AgentNate: “It’s settled, then. Let’s roll.”

Scene 3: The open road

Mew: “If I’m going to meet a new fella, I want to look nice,”

AgentNate: “Describe the car, Mew.”

Mew: “It’s blue. With four wheels.”

AgentNate: “Topless?”

Mew: “NO! I have a sweatshirt on!!” 

Dori slaps Nate. 

AgentNate blocks the slap.

AgentNate: “The car.”

Q: heh

Mew: “Oh. It’s blue.”

Mew: “Well, more of an aqua, actually.”

AgentNate: “Is it a convertable?”

AgentWy: I get in the car and whisper to Agent Skully “You know how I feel about cars and technology.”

Mew: “Well, maybe leaning more towards robin’s egg blue.”

Q: BTW, I designed this car…watch which buttons you push…

Mew: “No, I’m not Jewish. And it’s illegal to ask me that anyway.”

AgentNate: “I laugh in the face of illegalities.”

Agent_ks: nods. “Don’t worry, I’ve got things set so you’ll hardly know we’re in a vehicle at all.”

Mew: “Does this thing have a CD player?”

AgentNate: “Come on, slowpokes! Race ya to LA!” Q: But of course

AgentNate: “I have one in my bag. You drive.”

AgentWy: “Agent_ks: Good.”

Mew: “Can we stop at a bank drive thru, first? I want to cash my unemployment check.”

AgentNate: “Sure thing, hon. Just drive.”

Mew: “Let’s see…”

AgentNate: Are we riding with you guys?”

Mew: “I take the key and put it in the slot…Then I take this stick thingy.”

AgentNate: “Creepy guy: No, we’re taking seperate cars. Trust me on this.”

Mew: “Where are we going, btw?”

AgentNate: “LA. I have the map. Want it?”

Mew: “No, I’ll just wing it.” AgentWy: “Good, Scully let’s get our vehicle.”

AgentNate: “Let’s roll!” Q: Oh, great..I have to design two special cars now?

Mew: “This car doesn’t have a mirror on the visor!”

AgentWy: “Yes Q.”

Agent_ks presses a button on the remote he pulls out of his pocket and a small box in the corner unfolds to become a large, fast looking car. 

Agent_ks pushes another button, and the doors slide back.

Agent_ks hops into the roomy, comfy, dark interior.

AgentWy: “I get in the KsMobile.”

AgentNate: “We’ll pick one up.”

Doriana.” Mew: “Well, good.” Mew: “Let’s go already! Geesh.” Mew: “Slowpokes.”

Agent_ks pushes the button to close the doors. With a loud fwoosh, rockets fly from under the front and pound a large hole in the wall in front of the car.  The small band heads out on the road.

AgentNate: “I have to ask you something, Doriana. I am dying to know.”

AgentWy assumes his customary shotgun seat.

Agent_ks: “Oops. Wrong button. Heh heh.”

Agent_ks: Pushing the correct button, the doors close, and the car jets out the doors, onto the highway.

AgentWy “Let’s do that again ks…this time without the Oops…”

Mew: “o/~ Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall! Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall! o/~” Q watches that shotgun seat.

Mew: “Where are we going?”

AgentWy: “Why, Q, is there a real shogun under the seat?”

AgentWy: “Shotgun, even.” Mew: “o/~ You take one down and pass it around. Ninety-eight bottles of beer on the wall! o/~”

AgentNate: “LA. Head for the highway. Go west.”

Q: “Just watch what buttons you push, is all I’m saying.”

AgentWy tosses the shogun out the window… Mew:”o/~ Ninety-eight bottles of beer on the wall! Ninety-eight bottle of beer! o/~”

Q: “Stay clear of the ‘Eject’ button.”

Mew:”o/~ You take one down and pass it around. Ninety-seven bottles of beer on the wall! o/~” AgentNate: Dori! Dori!”

Mew: “Yes?”

AgentWy: “Q: Thanks for the warning.”

Mew: “o/~ Ninety-seven bottles of beer on the wall! Ninety-seven bottles of beer! o/~” Mew: “o/~ You take one down and pass it around. Ninety-six bottles of beer on the wall! o/~”

AgentWy: “Agent_ks: Floor it, or they’ll beat us there!!” Q:”Ick. Beer.”

AgentNate: “Um…is that a Wonderbra(tm)? I’ve been dying to ask.” Mew: “No, that’s natural.”

Agent_ks turns on the turbo boosters…”At this rate, we should be there in hours.”

AgentNate: “Thank God I’m not driving.”

Mew: “o/~ Ninety-six bottles of beer on the wall! Ninety-six bottles of beer! o/~You take one down and pass it around. Ninety-five bottles of beer on the wall! o/~”

AgentNate: “Ok. It’s late. May we stop here?”

AgentWy: “Good, I wanna see their faces when we beat ‘um there…hahaha!!”

Mew: “Here?”

AgentNate: “Yeah, Next time we can pick up with arrival at the police station.”

Mew: “Where are we?”

AgentDori pulls over. AgentWy is now known as Wyldling. 

Q is now known as postmike.

Mew: “o/~ I am ‘Enery the Eigth, Oi am. ‘Enery the Eigth, Oi am, Oi am. o/~”

Agent_ks looks on his computer tracking scope and notes that the other agents have stopped. He pulls over and begins preparations in the rv-like interior for a night’s rest. 

Mew gets out of “blonde” mode.

kscully: “Oh, were you playing a blonde? Never noticed. 🙂

End of Chapter 1