Chapter Three

CHAPTER 3
Wonderful Patricia
*It was a dark and stormy night, btw.

MITCHell: “Hey Merlin, enough with the fast food magic already, ya think?” 

The sun is now high in the sky and our band is still lost. Being men, of course they didn’t bother to ask for directions.

DrNate: “I’ll contribute a quote for this chapter:”

kscully: “Hmm….Perhaps you’ve had enough.

DrNate: “Oh, God, please Please PLEASE don’t let it be the Patricia I’m thinking it better not be!”

{MITCHell: “Hey Mr. Wizard, these seats recline? I could use a nap.”

DrNate: “I’m sick of this crap. Let’s get directions.” 

Suddenly, for no apparent reason, Nate spots a house on the horizon. 

kscully waves a hand at the sandwich and it turns back into Mitchell-shape, albeit covered with sandwich fixings…

DrNate: “Never mind. I see a house. On the horizion.”

{MITCHell: “Hey, green pepper!”

Good, Nate. (Third Person Omnipresent.)

kscully: “Then we had best find a way down from this tree…Hmm…That vine should do nicely.”

{MITCHell: “Nate, you like tomatoes? I got some here..”. 

Tis a beautiful house, and Nate notes that only a lovely, wonderful, God-like woman could possibly live here.”

DrNate: “…Or, it could be Mew.”

kscully makes a rope from the vine and shimmiess down the side of the tree, making sure not to crinkle his suit. 

{MITCHell begins to gently and gracefully climb down, then stumbles and falls clumsily.  Hearing strangers approaching, the house’s lovely owner lets loose the “devil cats.”  kscully makes a muffled cry for help!

{MITCHell: “When this is over, I gotta go back and finish that ‘balance’ chapter.”

DrNate: “Back up! I am good with cats!” 

{MITCHell pulls an M-60 from a secret multi-dimensional pocket of his toga.  The cats pounce!

{MITCHell: “Just in case.” 

DrNate crouches down, and feeds the cats some Kraft Singles ™.

kscully: “Mhnph…I can’t back up!….This mnnphing gnmph is on me!” 

The cats, sensing the goodness in Nate, immediately urinate on him, marking him as a friend.

{MITCHell: “Nate…” 

The owner of the house opens the door and calls her kitties.

DrNate: “Thank you. Yes. I wuv woo guys! Yes I do!” 

{MITCHell throws a boomerang and safely removes the cats from ks.

DrNate pets all the kitties affectionately.

Mew: “Leave that filthy magician alone, sweeties. You don’t want fleas.”

DrNate: “Oop! Mommy is calling! Go see Mommy!” 

kscully breathes a sigh of relief as Mitchell stops standing on him.

Hearing the can opener, the devil cats turn tail and run.

{MITCHell: “Bet ya wish I was still a sammich!”

Mew: “Who are you people??” Why are you teasing my pussies?” 

kscully glares at Mitchell…”That can be arranged, old boy.”

{MITCHell: “Huh?” * Looking at Nate, Patricia smiles in a sinister fashion.

DrNate: “My Name is Nathan.”

Mew: “Ah, I’ve been expecting you.”

 DrNate: “Your middle name isn’t ‘Ann’, is it?” 

{MITCHell reloads as all the talk is going on.

Mew: “Spectre Clousseau came to me in a vision.” 

{MITCHell writes a check to pay for his cell-shoe-phone.

Mew: Nathan, why are you hiding behind my couch?”

DrNate: “Just stay ten feet away, ok? Ten feet.”

Mew: “Oh you silly mortals.” Would any of you like a drink? And why are you here?” 

{MITCHell pulls a pickle-slice out of his hair, then offers it to the wizard.

{MITCHell: “Got Schlitz(tm)?”

Mew: “Okay. Well?? Well????”

DrNate: “Ok. Yes, please.”

{MITCHell: “Ya got Schlitz?(tm)”

DrNate: “Oh, and do you have a shower? It’s been a rough night.” 

kscully nods. *

Patricia hands Mitch some mead.

{MITCHell: “Mead?”

Mew: “Yes, Nathan. USE THE POND OUT BACK.”

{MITCHell: “Mead???”

Mew: “Yes, mead.”

{MITCHell: “What the hell is mead?”

Mew: “Gotta problem??”

{MITCHell: “This is syrup!”

DrNate: “Thanks.” 

{MITCHell tastes the mead.

Mew: “Honey wine is a true man’s drink.” 

DrNate runs out back, and makes sure the pond is sanitary.

{MITCHell: “It aint Schlitz(tm) but it’ll do fine””

Mew: “Nate: Watch out for SNAPPING TURTLES!”

{MITCHell: “Nate: Be careful! It was capitalized!”

Mew: “Perhaps you should join him, magician?”

kscully: “Indeed?”

Mew: “Nathan, the magician is coming to join you.”

Mew: “I must speak to Mitch alone…”

{MITCHell: “?” 

kscully walks back to the pond and inspects it…

DrNate: “Ok!” 

DrNate gets dressed just as ks arrives.

Mew: “No sword fights!!”

DrNate: “Hi. I didn’t catch your name.” 

DrNate doesn’t fight.

kscully: A turtle leaps up and tries to make a snack of his nose…

Mew “Sir, do you have any idea what you are getting involved in here?”

{MITCHell: “I like things that kill at a distance, myself.”Nope, I rarely do tho.”

Mew: “The magician will survive as will I, for I have some powers. But Nathan is a mortal, as are you. At least, I assume.”

{MITCHell: “Yeah, well, I wouldn’t sneeze at ginseng if i was you.” 

kscully waves his arms and a giant coffee filter lowers from the sky into the pond, then rises, carrying all the creatures of the pond over to another nearby pool.

kscully inspects the water again, and declares it good.

DrNate: “ks: Neat trick. Wanna share the secret?”

Mew: “Don’t mess up the ecosystem!” 

kscully calls back inside: “Never fear! I shall return them soon enough!”

Mew: “Nate shall face horrible tortures. Terrible things that no man should face.” {MITCHell: “Like Opera?”

Mew: “He will be beaten and used sexually and cut up and spit out and used for toilet paper.”

{MITCHell: “Vacation slides?”

Mew: “You can spare yourself this fate.”

{MITCHell: “Hmm….”

 kscully also bathes in the pool, letting its mystic waters work their benefits upon him.

Mew: “Yes, like opera :P”

{MITCHell: “Well. I’m just lookin for a down side.”

Mew: “No peeing in the pond!” If you survive this journey, perhaps there will be a reward in it for you.”

DrNate: “ks: I never caught your name.” 

kscully waves agreement and looks over the posted rules for swimming.

Mew: “Such bravery aka stupidity cannot go unmerited.”

{MITCHell: “I guess the toilet paper part isn’t so good. Well. it’s a fine line between genius and stupidity, Ma’am.”

Mew: “Well, some men enjoy that sort of thing…”

{MITCHell: “The rest sounds okay, tho.”

Mew: “Fine.” Now, call your friends in.”

{MITCHell: “You got any burgers or anything?”

kscully eyes Nate and speaks unto him..

kscully: “I do believe I introduced myself before, but so be it. I’m Sir Arthur, of Her Majesty’s Weird Stuff Happening Squad.”

Mew: “I have pseudo-chicken patties.”

{MITCHell: “Hey Nate and Wizard Boy!” Hmm…got lard? That’d be okay cooked in lard.”

Mew: “Now Nathan, why have you come? I need to hear it from you.”

DrNate: “No, I can’t say I heard the introduction the first time. A pleasure to meet you, sir. And please understand that if, at any time you wish to leave this party, I won’t hold it against you. This is my fight.”

DrNate sits down in front of Mew, leans back a tad, and waits a moment to speak. \

Patricia watches as Nate is left alone in the cabin.

DrNate: “Do you know the single most wonderful feeling in the world is?” 

kscully steps back into the house, changed into robes with runes and things on them…

{MITCHell: “Gargamel!” “Nice robe! Trade ya for my toga?”

Mew: “No Nathan; tell me.”

{MITCHell: “Um, do we wanna hear this?”

DrNate: “It’s the feeling of ecstasy you experience when you finally realize that you have found your soulmate; the person you wish to spend eternity with.” 

kscully nods.

kscully: “But other duties are mine. I am sworn to fight these things…”

DrNate: “You can’t think of anything else.”

{MITCHell: “Oh…I thought it involved a packet of lime and a spray bottle.”

Mew: “No disrobing in the cabin!”

DrNate: “You’re consumed body and soul by love. You become the emotion. Nothing else.” 

kscully folds up his suit neatly and puts it away into a pocket where it disappears.

Mew: “This happened rather fast.”

DrNate: “Do you know, Patricia, what the most horrible sensation in all the world is?”

Mew: “Do you believe in soulmates, Nathan?”

DrNate: “Not until this evening, Ma’am.”

Mew: “What is the most horrible sensation, Nathan?”

DrNate: “To…to have these feelings. To know you’ll never be along again. And then, to have it ripped from you; taken away, before you can let her…know…how you feel.”

DrNate breaks down. * Mew puts her arm around Nate’s shoulder.

DrNate: “Along’ should read ‘alone,’ by the way.” 

Patricia stares blankly at Nate.

Mew: “I could find you a perfect woman right here, Nathan.”

DrNate: “I’m sorry; hold on.” 

DrNate stops crying.

Mew: “I know many magical creatures who would attend to your every whim.”

{MITCHell: “Nate! Think this soulmate thing over!”

DrNate: “Damn! Just fix me up with a hooker, whydontcha?” Guys, we’re leaving! We don’t need this…person’s help.”

Mew: “You could forget all about this mortal girl, who is right now being bent over a saw horse with her wrists strapped to her ankles.” 

DrNate gets up and walks for the door.

DrNate: “Thank you for your hospitality.”

Mew: “Words of wisdom from Mitchell??”

{MITCHell: “These magic girls know about vitamin E and stuff?”

Mew: “And ginseng. Nathan, wait!”

{MITCHell: “No, I gotta stick with Nate. Don’t tempt me!”

Mew: “You passed the final test.” 

kscully nods…”And so it begins…The Three Trials.”

DrNate: “Test, my ass! Since when do we need to be tested?” And without consent? I don’t think so.”

Mew: “Since you are in the realm of someone who can keep you and your ladylove from dying a horrible death. That’s good;)”

{MITCHell: “Name one test you ever had to consent to!”

kscully: “Awww…Is good.”

Mew: “Nathan, do you know who or what I am?”

DrNate: “I’d rather die with her than be manipulated by some stranger who owes us no loyalty at all, who could abandon us at the drop of a hat!”

{MITCHell: “Well, yeah…” “So you wish to die horribly because of pride? “Hey Nate, that guy who could kick our asses said we needed her.”

DrNate: “Fine. Apologize for deceiving us, and I will apologize for getting angry, then we can go.”

Patricia places a dainty hand on Nate’s shoulder.  He can feel the power of her touch.

DrNate waits silently.

{MITCHell: “Me, I just dont wanna get my ass kicked. The honesty’s too much. Mind if i smoke in here?”

DrNate: “Yes.”

Mew: “Go outside!”

{MITCHell: “Oh. FINE!”

Mew: “Well, GOOD!” 

{MITCHell grumbles and steps outside.

Mew: “Watch out for the FireDragon!” 

DrNate waits. 

{MITCHell hollers inside.

{MITCHell: “I dont hear no apologizin’ goin on in there” This is worse than Congress.”

kscully: “Well, whatever it is, it seems to be worse than Congress…” 

DrNate waits.

{MITCHell: “Gridlock.”

Mew: “Finish that cig????” 

{MITCHell stubs out his smoke and steps back inside.

Xxyl forgets that he was floating and hits the ground head-first.

Mew: “‘Bout time.” 

ShyPuppy just observes and takes notes.

Mew: “Now, are all united in the quest to help Nathan?”

{MITCHell: “Yeah well *some* people ain’t got magic.”

DrNate: “Noooooooo…SOME of us still need to apologize, don’t we?”

Mew: “Did everyone pee?” It’s a long trip.”

{MITCHell: “Oh ho.”

kscully: “Hmm…” 

Xxyl notes that any sufficiently advanced “/me” command could appear to be magic.

{MITCHell: “Yeah, I took a leak on your dragon,  Xxyl: thats right.”

DrNate: LOL, Mitchell!

{MITCHell: “hehe.”

DrNate: Xxyl: Really? 

DrNate dances around with underpants on his head.

DrNate: “Wow! That is magical!”

{MITCHell: “Whoa!” 

Patricia looks at Nate. 

{MITCHell causes world peace and free food for everybody.

kscully vanishes himself in a puff of smoke, leaving the words BRB… behind.

ShyPuppy: “Free food???!!!!!” Cool!”

{MITCHell: “Yeah!” 

DrNate looks at Patricia.

ShyPuppy: “And world peace comes with it!”

Mew: “All must join hands.”

{MITCHell: “Not especially good food, tho.”

ShyPuppy: “Great package.”

Mew” “In a manly sort of way, of course.”

ShyPuppy: “How’s the world peace?”

{MITCHell: “Leftovers from a giant subway steak and cheese.”

DrNate: “I’m sorry that I was such a dense and evil individual. I need your help, and you don’t need me at all. Where’s my apology?”

Mew: “Nathan has learned humility.”

ShyPuppy: “I can’t BELIEVE what this has transgressed into.”

DrNate: “I already knew humility. Do you?”

Mew: “No, but I know someone named Prudence.”

{MITCHell: “Isn’t that a Jackson?”

ShyPuppy: “hehe”

Mew: “ALL JOIN HANDS!”

{MITCHell: “Dang!” 

ShyPuppy gracefully takes Mew’s hand.

DrNate: “All right! I’ll play your game. But you’d best watch your back.”

{MITCHell: “No! Fair’s fair.”Just go ‘sorry,’ Nate.”

ShyPuppy: “Is this ring around the rosy?”

DrNate: “I was raised a good man, and seeing people like you with so much power frightens me.”

{MITCHell: “I can break stuff anyplace.”

ShyPuppy: “Musical chairs?”

DrNate takes Mitchell’s fuckin’ hand, already.

ShyPuppy: “I get it now.One of Mew’s rituals.”

Mew: “Hey! None of that!. You’re just holding.”

{MITCHell: “No, take the other hand.”

DrNate: “Shut up and do your crap. Sorry, Mitch.” 

DrNate switches hands.

{MITCHell: “heh.”

ShyPuppy: (NYC was nuked)

DrNate: “Bummer.”

{MITCHell: “So what do we do now?”

DrNate: “On the plus side, it wasn’t Dallas.”

{MITCHell: “Who’s holdin my other hand?”

Mew: “HMM”  ShyPuppy takes Mitch’s other hand.

Mew: “Wait, where are the cats??”

{MITCHell: “hehehe.”

Mew: “Are you holding hands????”

ShyPuppy: “Of course, I don’t know Mitch.”

DrNate: “I want two people between me and Patti in the chain at all times.”

ShyPuppy: “But I guess Mitch will trust me….no reason not to, right Mew? ;)”

Mew: “Sure!”

{MITCHell: “Reluctantly. ” hehe”

Mew: “Now look at Nate.” 

{MITCHell stares at Nate dully. 

ShyPuppy reluctantly looks at Nate.

Mew: “Tell him you will over and stand by him through all the pain and torture.”

{MITCHell: “What she said. But I dont like that torture bit much.”

ShyPuppy: “I will love you and stand by you through all the pain and torture, Nate. ”

kscully returns in a flash of light, with a sandwich in one hand…”

Mew: “Shy has joined the band?”

{MITCHell: “Shy has joined the Shining Force! She awaits you at headquarters.”

Mew: “Nate: tell them that you love them.”

{MITCHell: “Little Sega joke there.”

ShyPuppy: “Sssshhhh, Scully: Were playing scanners and Nate is the victim!”

DrNate: “Don’t do it Shy. Please, save yourself while you can.This is bigger than all of us! You guys have to turn back! Please!I don’t want anyone hurt!”

ShyPuppy: “Bigger than Mitchell?”

{MITCHelL: “Hurt shmurt.” 

kscully ‘s eyes water from the strong spicy sandwich fixins.

{MITCHell: “Yeah!”

Mew: “Meanwhile, Kiersten is being hung upsidedown and being tickled with feathers.”

{MITCHell: “I got guns and stuff; dont worry bout it.”

Mew: “There ya go. Mitch: describe your fighting outfit to Shypup.”

DrNate: “I love you guys. Each and every one of you. And I will do my best to see that you guys all make it though this alive and intact.”

{MITCHell: “My outfit? The toga and barefoot stuff?”

DrNate: “Thank you all. You gentlemen are the most altruistic of souls. None can compare. Bathroom (brb).

Mew: “Telling you that he loves you makes him have to pee?”

Xxyl: *New York City?!*

ShyPuppy farts.

ShyPuppy: “Damn… sorry. That always happens in tense situations..”

Mew: “What is that horrible stench??”

kscully: “It’s a quiet hug.”

Mew: “Must be a demon from hell!!!!”

postmike: “Hmm.”

Mew: “Now don’t forget. The road will be arduous.” 

{MITCHell takes notes…”Arduous Road…”

DrNate: “I get the feeling any time spent with you would be arduous.”

{MITCHell: “Whozzat?”

Mew: “Now, I also realize in times of great stress…Erotic feelings sometimes surface.”

{MITCHell: “Do we get gadgets now?”

Mew: “Interesting question…Interesting timing….Please refrain from getting too intimate with each other. These feelings are perfectly natural, but they will eventually pass.”

{MITCHell: “Can I get a jet pack?”

Mew: “Of course.”

{MITCHell: “Cool! How bout a rocket-launcher watch?”

DrNate: “Let’s go! Why are we wasting around here?” 

kscully rummages in his pouches and hands Mitchell an enchanted +9 flamethrower…

Mew: “We must also look out for what is popularly called ‘The Postal Demon’.”

{MITCHell” “Whoa! +9!” Att AND dam?”

Mew: “This is a spirit that brings you unwelcome news of your death.” 

ShyPuppy must go.

Mew: “Okay.”

{MITCHell: See ya.

kscully: “Or is that a 6? I think I was holding it upside down.”

{MITCHell: “Indian wizard!” 

ShyPuppy licks everyone goodbye… nice seeing ya again.

Mew: “Nathan?”

DrNate: “What?” 

ShyPuppy scampers out of the room, looking rather confused and scared.

Mew” “Oh, just checking.”

DrNate: “Let’s go, you insane nothing! A life is on the line, here!”

Mew: “Okay, then, let us go.”

{MITCHell: “Where we goin?”

End of Chapter 3