Chapter Two


Session Start: Sun Sep 29 18:11:52 1996

Toga! Toga! Toga!

End of Chapter 1, our hero’s love interest is captured by mysterious dark forces….

As she cries out for help the screen darkens and credits roll. To be continued…

It was a dark and stormy night.

{MITCHell assumes lotus position and eats an apple.

As Kiersten’s screams of agony and fright are heard in the background, Nate stares and ponders.

DrNate cries. 

Over in the distance, a hulking figure emerges from the darkness. 


{MITCHell: “What’s all the blubberin’ about?” 

{MITCHell pulls a pack of Camels(tm) from his toga and lights one up. 

DrNate gets into Mitchell’s face.

DrNate: “I dunno! Someone just took the love of my life away, and THEN, just in case my life wasn’t bad enough, some IDIOT starts smoking in a movie theater!”

{MITCHell: “Watch the end; these things are hot.”

DrNate: “You stayed home all weekend thinking up that rebuttle, didn’t you?”

DrNate: “Damnit.”

{MITCHell: “Idiot, shmidiot. Movie houses are s’posed ta be full of smoke!”

 An usher comes by with a gun.

{MITCHell leaps into action, roundhouse kicks galore, usher lays in a pool of his own filth.

DrNate “Oh, great! I’m in freakin’ ‘Road warrior’!”

{MITCHell: “hehehe”

DrNate: “Just…ta hell with 7-11! God damn them all!”

{MITCHell: “So,which way did they go?” 

Narrator notes that the police aren’t going to like this…

DrNate: “They…went…UP!”

{MITCHell pulls usher’s head up.

{MITCHell: “He’ll live.”

DrNate: makes an angry gesture into the air.

{MITCHell looks up.

{MITCHell: “Huh…that bites!” 

DrNate puts his head in his hands, sobs uncontrollably, and wanders back to the spot he dropped his baseball bat.

{MITCHell: “Know anybody with a helicopter?” Or like a jet-pack? Always wanted to try them…”

A man enters the theater, tapping a silver handled cane on the doorframe.

kscully *”Oh, I shouldn’t think so, old boy. Terribly hard to come by without prior notice, don’t you know?” 

Suddenly the theatre catches fire.

{MITCHell: “Is that you…..Q???” Well, let’s blow this joint.”

Outside, Nate sees a mysterious hooded figure…


DrNate: “Oh, we’re outside.”

{MITCHell: “Here, have a ginseng tablet.”

DrNate” “Look! A mysterious hooded figure!”  

kscully nods…But this is neither the time nor the place.

DrNate points.

{MITCHell: “Wow! Nice hood.” 

The hooded figures approaches Nate. 

{MITCHell takes the crane stance. 

Turning toward Mitchell, it says in a hideous voice…

DrNate backs off a step, and brings his Bat to bear.

Mew: “Is that a ‘Bugle Boy’ toga you’re wearing?”

DrNate lets out a war cry, and attacks the cliche’! 

{MITCHell replies “As a matter of fact….” and kicks it in the facial area.

Mew: “Ha! Foolish mortal!! I have no face!!! Nyah.”

{MITCHell “Thus I kicked the area!”

Mew: “I am looking for the one named Nathan…”

{MITCHell flicks the immortal being behind the ears.. REAL HARD! 

kscully shakes his head….”twon’t work, chaps. These things require a bit of…sivlerware!”

Mew: “Nathan,,,”

DrNate: “Back off! Everyone back up!”

DrNate holsters the bat.

kscully pulls a blade from his cane with a quick twist and skewers the hooded thing. An empty cloak falls to the ground with a rattle.

DrNate: “I’m Nathan.” 

DrNate swats kscully.

DrNate: “I said BACK OFF!”

{MITCHell “Hey! I’M supposed to waste things!” 

{MITCHell pulls a pebble out of his bare foot. 

Xxyl floats up to the ceiling to finish his homework. 

From the pile of cloth comes a voice…

Mew: “You have just ruined your only chance to save Kiersten. I came as a friend, Nathan.”

 {MITCHell produces a gigantic pistol and fills the cloak full ‘o lead.

kscully: “Now, now…I’ve been dealing with these on and off for quite a while…Looks like you needed a pointer or two.”

DrNate: “This can’t be my only chance, stranger!”

DrNate: “Please, help me out”!

{MITCHell: “You got some cool gadgets for us?”

DrNate: “Will you two quit screwing around back there! These are delicate negotiations!”

kscully: “I shouldn’t worry.”

{MITCHell: “Well Nate, every superhero needs cool stuff.”

kscully leans over and picks a couple of mysterious objects from the folds of the cloak.

{MITCHell tries to stand the deflated cloak back up.

Mew: “The “cool stuff” comes soon enough. A young woman’s soul is on the line.”

DrNate: “PLEASE! I’ll give ANYTHING for the opportunity to rescue her! Please!” 

kscully sorts them out and hands an amulet to Nate, first prying off a jewel and crushing it underfoot.

Mew: “Please pick me up off the ground. I am getting soiled.”

DrNate throws the amulet away. “I already have one! Ok. Here ya go.”

{MITCHell: “What are you busting stuff for? That woulda got five bucks at a flea market, easy!”

Mew: “No. DON’T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

DrNate picks the stranger up.

kscully: “There. Now this here will serve as a locator. Never understood why they leave these around…”

Mew: “Nathan, please fluff me up.” 

kscully picks it up and presents it to Nate again with a pained expression. The gem glows when nearing their lair.

Mew: “Nathan!”

DrNate fluffs Mew up.

DrNate: “Why are we doing this?”

Mew “The soul of the young, dense redhead is at stake here.”

DrNate: “We need to be rescuing the love of my life.”

{MITCHell: “Fluffing.”

DrNate: “But this isn’t getting us anywhere! We need herd data, armaments, strategies! Fluffing isn’t crap! Hard data. Sorry.”

Mew: “DON’T TAUNT THE SPIRIT!!” Three beings came by here earlier, did they not?”

DrNate: “Yes. Six red eyes.Three people with two each, in theory.”

Mew: “In theory…They are evil creatures of the night, Nathan. They wish to strip your beloved naked and force her to do all kinds of horrible, though albeit incredibly interesting things to her. Then they will steal her soul.”

{MITCHell “Dang..blink your eyes and it gets exciting!”

DrNate: “Ok…ok.I’m ok.”

Mew: “She will be their love slave, Nathan.”

DrNate: “And I will remain ok about three more seconds. How much time do we have?”

Mew: “For all eternity, a helpless, naked, bound and chained sex toy.””UNLESS…”

DrNate “Maybe we can make a trade. Replace her with me.”

Mew: “We can find someone pure of heart, and soul. The problem is, the only one who can defeat such evil beings as these must also be pure of body. Now, where are we going to find such a man???????” 

{MITCHell scratches his noggin

DrNate sighs.

The spectre looks at {Mitchell.

DrNate: “I’ll call Dawoud.” 

DrNate goes to a payphone.

{MITCHell: “Me?? Really??”

Mew: “No, not really.” 

The spectre hands Mitch some Doritos(tm).” 

kscully shakes his head. “I’m afraid I’m ruled out… The things you do as a youth, don’t you know?”

{MITCHell: “I didnt think so..I’m so full of Schlitz(tm) most of the time I cant tie my own shoes. Hey!”

DrNate: “Those are loafers, Mitchell.”

{MITCHell: “You’re one o.k. spectre. Well that explains a LOT…besides, I’m barefoot.”

Mew: “This person should also be willing to go through hideous tortures at the hands of these cruel but buxom Vampyre Babes.”

{MITCHell: “Now, I may handle that part, okay.” 

The spectre nods towards Mitch:

Mew: “Got milk?”

{MITCHell: “Nope, got a Schlitz(tm), tho.”

Mew: “Nathan, are you man enough to go to hell and back for this poor woman?

DrNate: “Okay, let me put it this way…” 

kscully tips his hat to the hooded figure.

kscully: “Sorry about that, immaterial old bean…You looked rather like one of the …other types.”

{MITCHell: “Now let me get this straight: you gotta be pure even to kick their asses?”

DrNate: “Stranger, I have never known love. And now, to suddenly have it overwhelm me so entirely and then be deprived of it… I’d do anything to get her back.”

Mew: “The first one to get to her calls dibbs. You have answered correctly btw, Nathan.”

DrNate: “I’ll suffer for eternity. Let’s go.”

Mew: “Now, one more question to prove you are truly worthy (and have been paying attention to Mew’s rambling in the channel.)

The Riddle of the Sphinx: What is it that goes on 4 legs at dawn, 2 legs at noon, and 3 legs at twilight?”

{MITCHell: “Can an impure guy kinda whoop on them a little?”

DrNate: “What luck! I just got asked this one on #sw-ccg. Just two days ago!” A man!”

Mew: “Ah…”

{MITCHell: “A stool?”

Mew: “If you answer incorrectly, we get out the farm equipment.”

{MITCHell: “Eggses, my precious…Whoops; wrong mythos.” 

DrNate points an impolite finger at the stranger.

DrNate: “I got yer farm equipment right here;”

Mew: “Be more politically correct, Nathan. It’s the 90’s.” 

The spectre slips the milking machine under its robe.

DrNate: “Is this the price I have to pay? I think not.”

{MITCHell: “Nate! It’s AFRICAN American!”

Mew: “All right. A human. Close enough. You must seek out another for your journey.”

DrNate: “When the riddle was originally conceived, the answer was ‘Man’. Ok, Who else? Where is he?”

Mew: “You mean….’She’. Muahahahaha!!”

DrNate: “Ok, who else? Where is SHE?”

Mew: “Oh, yeah, and you’ll also need some kind of magic caster.”

{MITCHell: “Is she a hot little impure blonde with a hippie name?”

Mew: “No. Her name is ‘Patricia’.”

DrNate: “Magic caster? Never heard of that.”

{MITCHell: “I got magic! Right here! Ginseng, it does wonders for the system.” 

DrNate jumps at mention of that name.

Mew: “And anyone else you may pick up along the way.”

DrNate: “Oh, God, PLEASE don’t let it be the Patricia I’m thinking it better not be.”

{MITCHell: “Do we get to wear like uniforms?” 

The spectre asks for a cup…

Mew “Yes, of course.”

Even a spectre knows not to cross a psycho.

{MITCHell: “How bout helmets with like lights on them?”

Mew: “Go seek out the one called ‘Patricia’.” 

DrNate runs in, and gets a cup from a table. 

kscully snaps his fingers and watches as Nate’s baseball bat turns into a bunny rabbit. As he blinks at it, it returns to its previous form in a burst of light.

Mew: “She is great and wise and cute and stuff.”

{MITCHell: “Cool stunt!” 

DrNate negotiates.

DrNate: “Ok. I’ll give you wise, and stuff, and maybe cute.”

kscully: “Many things you have not heard of, yet still they exist.”

Mew: “What a coincidence! A magician, right here next to us?”

{MITCHell “Ain’t life goofy?”

Mew: “Who are you, stranger? And where did this loose cannon come from, anyway?”

kscully: “There are those who know me as Sir Arthur…”

{MITCHell: “And others call you ‘Tim’?” 

The spectre has a vision.(SPECTRVISION(tm).

Mew: “Kiersten is being chained to a large piece of wood shaped like an ‘X’.”

DrNate: “Where? WHERE?!”

kscully eyes Mitchell…

{MITCHell:”Don’t remind me….I couldn’t work for years after that incident.”

Mew: “She is crying out for a hero.”

{MITCHell: “If the audience yells for Barabbas, I’m outta here.” 

DrNate grabs the spectre.

DrNate: “She’s in trouble! Stop Screwing around!”

Mew: “She need a hero. She needs a hero ’til the end of the night…” 

Nate’s hand goes right through the spectre and hits Mitch in the groin.

{MITCHell: “Yowza! Right in the store!”

DrNate: “Mitch is behind me. Always has been.”

{MITCHell: “Oh yeah.”

Mew: “Stop the ‘Three Stooges’ imitation and go seek out Patricia, the Wise and Wonderful.”

DrNate: “All right, Casper. Stop fucking with us and tell us where to go! Standing here like a group of retards isn’t helping things any!” 

The Spectre points eastward.

DrNate: “Thank you. That was all we needed.”

{MITCHell: “I still wanna jet pack.”

Mew: “Only she possess the knowledge you will need. Just do not forget the Kraft Singles(tm).”

DrNate “Who has a car? Anyone?” 

kscully looks at Nate….

kscully: “Hmm..I do have a van parked a block or two from here…”

{MITCHell: “Well, in my Tibetan monastery I learned to run at high speeds with five or more people on my back.”

Mew: “Patricia lives in a secluded glade in the 100 Acre Wood.”

{MITCHell: “If that helps.”

Mew: “I suggest you follow your Magician, for he knows the way.”

DrNate: “Ok. we need to stop at 7-11 and pick up a map and some Kraft Singles.”

{MITCHell: ™

Mew: “Thank you, Mitch.”

{MITCHell: “Can’t ya just like beam us there, Gandalf?”

DrNate: “Ooh, good one! Point for Mitchell!”

Mew: “Patricia has an antiprotplasm blaster surrounding her cottage.” 

kscully points the way…”It isn’t far…Besides, I had best save my energies for the upcoming confrontation.”.

{MITCHell: “You *are* a magician, right? Oh, okay.” ::smirk:: 

kscully frowns at Mitchell and turns him into a giant subway sandwich for a good five minutes… The sun begins to rise.

{MITCHell: “We’ll use the ‘Magic Mini Van’. And you can’t beam us there, but you got energy to make me a Steak and Cheese?”

DrNate: “I don’t care. I’ll face an anti-whateverIhave to for Ms. Warren.” 

kscully sighs…but time moves on…

{MITCHell: “hehehe.”

DrNate: “A TALKING steak and cheese.”

Mew: “Meanwhile, Kiersten is being shaved.”

{MITCHell: “I get shotgun.”

Mew: “And basted with A1 Steak Sauce(tm).” 

kscully draws the mystic circle and waves the mystic wand and sneezes the mystic sneeze and with a great effort of will, the group is transported into the forest!  

kscully: “in the branches of a very large tree.”

DrNate: “I give up. She’s not even remotely a virgin anymore.” 

The spectre stops suddenly!

Mew: “Did you say, ‘Sharona’?”

DrNate: “Look for this house!”

{MITCHell: “Shaving and penetration ain’t the same! Yeah, I did.”

Mew: “Why, Pentration that is the name of the chief Vampire. How do you know this?”

{MITCHell: “Well, I just thought..oh, never mind. It’s my ummm…”

Mew: “Be wary of him, people.”

{MITCHell: “My magic ginseng told me.”

Mew: “He might be a changeling.”

DrNate grabs Mitchell

DrNate: You know these Vampires! Talk!”

{MITCHell: “I’m here to kick ass and chew names, and I’m all out of bubble tape or something.” 

kscully watches Nate interrogate a sandwich… 

{MITCHell: “It was a long time ago and I was drunk! Sue me!”

End of Chapter 2